I was taking a stroll around Leuven the other day trying to distract myself. I have been thinking a lot about growing up lately. I am continuously struggling between doing what I want to do versus what society wants me to do. And I know people say, you have to be yourself. It is your life, you choose what you want to do with it. But if I am completely honest, that is easier said than done.
Is this what people call the ‘quarter-life-crisis’ ?
I don’t know. I have been struggling with all of it for a while. The only drive for me to to get through secondary school was because I thought, I strongly believed things were going to get better. Little did I know then, that I would still be struggling, for different reasons.
Honestly, I am now 25 and I feel like I should have achieved something by now. I hear of people younger than me getting married, having kids, buying or renovating a house, landing their dream job and I am just here. I am just Ella. And to be really honest, I don’t even know who that is for most of the time.
I should. . . I should . . . I should . . .
Maybe it’s social media that has something to do with it. Not a day goes by without a new baby/house/engagement on my facebook timeline. And even though, there are probably plenty of people who feel the same, confused and not sure what they are supposed to do with their life, I can’t help but feel like I should have achieved more by now.
And I should achieve more by the time I’m 30 (which is in 5 years, how scary is that?). I should do a lot of things. But what you should do, or what society tells you somebody of your age should do, isn’t always what you want to do. And it is hard to break free from that and just be yourself.
That time I took a Buzzfeed quiz
For some people it’s easy. They know what career path they want to take. They already know how many kids they want. I so wish that was me. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to be. I feel so lost in this shadow world that exists between ‘I should’ and ‘I want to’. Somewhere in between, these 2 worlds should be able to collide. I just haven’t figured out where that is.
I would pay a lot of money to have a little moment of clarity (not really though, because you know being responsible with money and paying bills and stuff). I even took a Buzzfeed quiz so it would tell me I wasn’t this desperate and I was completely normal. It turns out I am well in my sixties and have lost 40 years while taking this quiz. Well, that is one way to get that quarter-life crisis over and done with, am I right?
Maybe I do know who I want to be. I want to be me. I want to be the person I want to be, happy with myself. I just haven’t figured out how to be that person yet. The road to being myself is still quite long. And maybe that’s what they call a quarter-life crisis. A confusing period in your twenties that most of us struggle through. If I ever figure all of this out, I will be sure to let you know.
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